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Toasters
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people
bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a
worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you
would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but
you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity
to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark
you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances
to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with
their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster
does, but 5 years earlier.
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have
a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and
seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on
top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number,
and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents.
The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door
that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast
for reasons of national security.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't
they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster,
which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters...
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would
be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast,
can be conveniently attached to a your belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be
faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand
pieces of bread at the same time.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal
wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but
not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to
build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and
you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin-off a company
called WatToast.
If the PQ made toasters...
They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top
as the rest of the appliances.
Author:
Unknown
Received: June 1996