 |
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Actual Answering Machine Messages
Actual Answering Machine Messages --recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
(Narrator's voice:) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
[Editor's note: These are NOT my mother's answering machine messages! But if you ask nicely, I'll give you her telephone number. Hers are a stitch, too! --Anthony]
Authors:
Unknown
Received: August 1998