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FabuAir: The First Gay Airline
Blueprint for the first gay airline. Join us on this short flight of fancy as we re-design the first airline for gay men, lesbians, and anyone else lucky enough to get a seat.
Welcome
Aboard
The FabuAir experience begins
when you call our reservations number, 900-FLY-FABU. We know you can make
reservations on other airlines for free. But our 900 number is only 28c/minute
(50% of all proceeds go to the Human Rights Campaign), and our reservationists
give good phone.
Your tickets will arrive in a sleek Diesel leather ticket folio. Your seat assignment (only aisle or window, no middle) is pre-reserved and your in-flight menu is included because we know how long it takes some of you to make up your minds, especially with a menu as fabulous as ours.
When you arrive at the airport, you'll recognize our terminal immediately. Richard Sabala did the lights. Susan Morabito did the music. Thierry Mugler did the departure lounge. Outside, we have a specially commissioned sculpture of Amelia Earhart and Ellen DeGeneres as "traveling companions." Our sky caps, muscles bulging under their Raymond Dragon uniforms, will check your luggage. We allow five pieces, not two, and no extra charge for golf clubs, ladies.
You
Know You've Arrived
Stroll through our luxurious
terminal to your gate. We only use walk-through metal detectors on request;
a physical body search is preferred by most of our passengers. (Body cavity
searches are, unfortunately, limited to international flights.) Follow
the red velvet roping up to the plane door. The gate agent will take your
ticket and give you your wristband boarding pass. Keep it on - it's color-coded
to indicate whether you're aggressively single, possibly available, or
married.
On board we have no flight attendants. Just stewardesses. Even the guys. They're young, tall, thin, gorgeous, dressed by Chanel and trained by RuPaul - they're gonna work! Butch has no place in our aisles. If butch is what you're after, lust after our baggage handlers. Hired from Colt and Falcon Studios, they just can't seem to keep their shirts on. Our cockpit crew? All gay men and lesbians discharged from the military.
If
There's Anything We Can Do...
FabuAir is bringing style back
to air travel. Settle into your seat. What do you notice? It's comfortable.
And it matches your outfit. Overhead, you'll find reading lights plus
tanning lights. The black leather seats smell as good as they feel. You
can't wait to fasten your seatbelt low and tight against your waist. Aaah.
You're ready for takeoff.
You'll never see "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" on FabuAir. We only show movies starring Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Madonna or Jody Foster. Or movies about women in love. With each other.
Care for a magazine? Vanity Fair... The Advocate... Out.... Curve... Genre?... Sorry, we gave out our last copy of HX, but our chief purser would be happy to show you around New York personally.
The Airfone at every seat has speed dial for Bill Clinton, Barney Frank, Elizabeth Birch, Tzabaco, International Male, and J. Crew, for the non-stop activist and shopaholic.
Perhaps you'd like to listen to our specially selected audio entertainment. Channel 1: kd lang. Channel 2: Pet Shop Boys. Channel 3: The Indigo Girls. Channel 4: Junior's "Dancing on Air" party mix (a FabuAir exclusive). Channel 5: Melissa Etheridge. Channel 6: Nothing but show tunes.
Before you know it, your flight will be over. But don't be sad. You've earned lots of frequent flyer miles, good toward your next trip on FabuAir. We regret that they are blacked out for the Black Party, White Party, Gay Pride, Magnitude, Aftershock, Hotlanta and Halloween, but use them over any of the other holidays. Bonus miles? Sure. Stay at a gay B&B. Get a Rainbow Card. Use Community Spirit Long Distance. Take an Olivia Cruise. Subscribe to Out & About. Triple Miles? Just date one of our employees.
Too
Fabulous
Our in-flight service is not
coach, business or first. It's so fabulous, we named it Fabulous Class.
It may seem like first class on other airlines, but we never use those
words, because nothing we do is second class.
We recognize however, that many of our passengers are too special and important, even for Fabulous Class. For those who require the utmost in privacy and luxury we have an exclusive cabin that we call Too Fabulous Class. Too Fabulous passengers don't need tickets. We know who you are. Our already generous luggage limit is waived for you. At boarding time, come right to the front of the red roping. Even though we have short lines, we kept the roping because we know you like it.
On board, you'll notice the little touches that make a difference. A full harness replaces the standard seatbelt. A stewardess for every passenger. Marble bathrooms big enough for two. Live entertainment and a personal video screen with personal video choices. We couldn't improve our service, so we just added more. Massage. Manicure. Hair styling. Waxing and electrolysis (LA flights only). And group psychotherapy in our upstairs lounge.
We think you'll agree, it's a fabulous world on FabuAir, the world's first all-gay airline.
Author:
Unknown
Received: August 1998