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Results of a Contest for "Theories"
Sponsored by "Omni Magazine"
Grand
Prize Winner
When a cat is dropped, it always
lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the
buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back
of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a
giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New
York with Chicago.
Runners-up
If an infinite number of rednecks
riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number
of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Honorable Mention
The quantity of consonants
in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn
up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah,"
the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his
car and invest in "erl wells."
Author: Attributed
to Omni Magazine
Received: Spring 1996