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You Might Be a Republican if...
- You think "proletariat" is
a type of cheese.
You've named your kids "Deduction one"
and "Deduction two" -
You've tried to argue that poverty could
be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum
wage.
-
You've ever referred to someone as "my
(insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
-
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist
and opposed to welfare.
-
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death
penalty.
-
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
-
The only union you support is the Baseball
Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
-
You think you might remember laughing once
as a kid.
-
You once broke loose at a party and removed
your neck tie.
-
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of
something.
-
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why
don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
-
You've ever said, "I can't wait to get
into business school."
-
You've ever called a secretary or waitress
"Tootsie."
-
You answer to "The Man."
-
You don't think "The Simpsons"
is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes
a lot of sense.
-
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in
my Neighborhood."
-
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street
because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
-
You use any of these terms to describe your
wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
-
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while
making love.
-
You've argued that art has a "moral
foundation set in Western values."
-
When people say "Marx," you think
"Groucho."
-
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get
a haircut."
-
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock
concert in 1969.
-
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in
case a bear ever attacks your home.
-
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
-
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence
of the end of racism in America.
-
You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil
schmiberties.
-
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean
to me."
-
You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying
bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
-
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell
Curve."
-
You've ever called education a luxury.
-
You look down through a glass ceiling and
chuckle.
-
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are
tax-deductible.
-
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember
Bob Dylan.
-
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North:
American Hero" sticker.
-
You're afraid of the "liberal media."
-
You ever based an argument on the phrase,
"Well, tradition dictates...."
-
You've ever called the National Endowment
for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
-
You think all artists are gay.
-
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch
"lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute
to society."
-
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves
up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
- You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
Author: Attributed
to "INTERNET QUEEN Brenda Bernstein"
Received: March 1996