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50 Fun Things for Teachers to do on the First Day of Class
- Wear a hood with one eyehole.
Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
- After confirming everyone's
names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics
690 Relative to Comparative Basket Weaving" and mention that yesterday
was the last day to drop.
- After turning on the overhead
projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
- Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet
and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
- Gradually speak softer and
softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT
DID I JUST SAY?"
- Deliver your lecture through
a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched
voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask me,
Winky Willy".
- If someone asks a question,
walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and
ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
- Pick out random students,
ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record
their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
- Ask students to call you
"Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
- Stop in mid-lecture, frown
for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
- Play "Kumbaya"
on the banjo.
- Show a video on medieval
torture implements to your class and have them write an essay on contemporary
usage in the family. Giggle throughout it.
- Announce "you'll need
this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
- Wear mirrored sunglasses
and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
- Start the lecture by dancing
and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
- Ask occasional questions,
but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move
on before anyone can answer.
- Ask the class to read Jenkins
through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely
imply that there will be a quiz.
- Have one of your graduate
students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
- Address students as "worm".
- Announce to students that
their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam.
Imply that this could happen at any moment.
- Turn off the lights, play
a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
- Ask for a volunteer for
a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead
apron and light a blowtorch.
- Point the overhead projector
at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
- Begin class by smashing
the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over
when the bottle's done.
- Have a band waiting in the
corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start
playing and sing an Elvis song.
- Every so often, freeze in
mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long,
awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
- Wear a "virtual reality"
helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their
direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
- Mention in passing that
you're wearing rubber underwear.
- Growl constantly and address
students as "matey".
- Devote your math lecture
to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit
back and groove".
- Announce that last year's
students have almost finished their class projects.
- Inform your English class
that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a
lecture on output format statements.
- Bring a small dog to class.
Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot".
Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll
be, McGee?"
- Wear a feather boa and ask
students to call you "Snuggles".
- Tell your math students
that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated
symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten
to fail students who don't use it.
- Claim to be a chicken. Squat,
cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
- Bring a CPR dummy to class
and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester.
Assign it an office and office hours.
- Have a grad student in a
black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
- Sprint from the room in
a panic if you hear sirens outside.
- Give an opening monologue.
Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
- Tell students that you'll
fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
- Announce that you need to
deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer
style.
- Pass out dental floss to
students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
- Announce that the entire
32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your
class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next
class.
- Ask students to list their
favorite showtunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make
notes in your grade book.
- Sneeze on students in the
front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
- Warn students that they
should bring a sack lunch to exams.
- Refer frequently to students
who died while taking your class.
- Show up to lecture in a
ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their
own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in
the field".
- Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
Author:
Attributed to Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
Received: December 1995