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12 Days of a Modern Christmas
December 14, 1995
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With Deepest Love,
Agnes
* * *
December 15, 1995
Dearest John,
Today the postman delivered your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable!
All My Love,
Agnes
* * *
December 16, 1995
Dear John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
* * *
December 17, 1995
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
* * *
December 18, 1995
Dear John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it! Frankly, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All My Love,
Agnes
* * *
December 19, 1995
John,
When I opened the door today, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps! So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through all the racket. Please stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
* * *
December 20, 1995
John,
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
* * *
December 21, 1995
Okay, Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they brought their goddamn cows, too! There's cow shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my house.
Disgustedly,
Agnes
* * *
December 22, 1995
Hey, Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And Christ, do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
* * *
December 23, 1995
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show just cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm Sending the Police on You,
Agnes
* * *
December 24, 1995
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? They're leaping all over the maids and ladies. Some of those broads may never walk again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy! I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your Sworn Enemy,
Agnes
* * *
December 25, 1995
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at the Happy Day Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for you arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Cajole
Attorney at Law
Author:
Unknown
Received: December 1995